Funeral planning - Choice Care Your Way

Funerals typically serve two purposes: To give survivors a way to honor the person who has died, and to lay the body to rest, either through cremation or burial. But they don’t have to be accomplished at the same time. Public health laws govern the timing and procedures required to dispose of the body. However, the ceremony can occur at any time if it’s not tied to a viewing or burial.

It’s ideal to talk with your loved one about their funeral wishes well before there is a need. Allow them to decide what is personally meaningful. If possible, talk as a family. Then everyone will understand your relative’s desires. Take notes and make copies.

Funeral logistics

Though it may sound odd, funerals are like weddings in many ways: They’re both gatherings of family and friends that mark a life passage. They are typically very emotional and can be very sweet. And they can also get very expensive!

It helps to understand the logistics, as some procedures are more costly than others or involve coordinated timing with a funeral home.

Cremation or burial. People frequently have very strong preferences based on religious beliefs or family tradition. As a practical rule, cremation is usually less expensive. It does not require preplanning. Burial requires a cemetery plot.
Casket. Cremation does not require a casket. If burial is desired, ask about less expensive alternative containers. You can even search online and have them delivered.
Embalming. If the body is buried or cremated within two days of death, there is no legal requirement for embalming. If you will need more time, then embalming will likely be required. You must then work with a funeral home. Ask if refrigeration is an option. (It tends to be less expensive.)
Viewing and location. Do you want a ceremony that involves viewing the body? If so, do you want the service at home? At home, the ceremony must take place within forty-eight hours of death. The funeral home must then pick up the body for immediate cremation or quick burial. If you need more time or wish to have a more public viewing, consider a service at a funeral home, religious institution, or directly at the graveside. If you would like to have a viewing and then cremation, you will need to arrange for renting a casket.

You can get more information from the Funeral Consumers Alliance (www.funeral.org).

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An affordable, meaningful funeral

When planning for a funeral, think about what would make it a personally meaningful experience. One that reflects your loved one and speaks to the needs of those left behind. Don’t equate the funeral price, however, with the love you feel for your relative. You don’t want to contend with debt on top of grief!

Establish a budget before you start calling funeral homes. Think about your family and your loved one’s style. For instance, would an alternative casket made of reinforced cardboard with personalized notes and drawings be more meaningful and appropriate to them than a fancy, lined, lead casket, especially for a cremation?

Closer is not necessarily better. It’s wise to check out mortuaries in a fair radius around you. If there is a large price difference, a 15-minute longer drive may actually be the best choice. (Morticians will generally travel up to twenty to thirty miles to transport the deceased without charging extra.)

Separate the public gathering from disposal of the body. This gives you the option to postpone the service to a date best for everyone concerned. There are low- or no-cost places to hold a memorial service or celebration of life: At home, in a park, etc.

Comparing providers. Ask a less emotionally involved friend to accompany you when you visit the various funeral homes. An objective perspective will help you buy only what you truly want and can afford. The Federal Trade Commission has made it easier for families to make apples-with-apples comparisons. For instance, you have the right to price information when you call and an itemized price list when you visit. Basic services must be described in the same way: Direct burial, direct cremation, embalming, etc. You can use a casket or urn that is purchased elsewhere. Or an alternative container. Embalming is not required in all instances.

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Your loved one's wishes

One of the comforts at a time of death is knowing you are honoring your relative according to their wishes. If possible, have a discussion with them before their passing is imminent.

Getting started. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and don’t have other pressing business. Use a soft start to bring up the subject.

Create a connection. You might start by asking about a sweet memory. “Dad, I know you’ve always loved this [possession], but I don’t remember its history. Tell me again about what it means to you.”
Ask permission to broach a sensitive subject. “This makes me think of something else I’d like to ask about that could be a bit emotional. Can I go ahead?”
State your concern. “My friend’s dad died recently, and everyone in the family had a different idea of what kind of memorial he would have wanted. When that time comes for you, I’d really like to feel confident that I’m doing what you would want.”

What to ask

Have they already made plans? Have they written a “letter of last instruction” or even prepurchased services at a mortuary or funeral home?
Do they want a traditional funeral (with casket, viewing, and burial) or cremation and a memorial service? Something else?
What kind of gathering is desired? Invite everyone? Family only? At a place of worship? At home? Somewhere else?
Anyone in particular they would like to have officiate or speak at the ceremony?
Is there anything special they would like as part of the occasion? A certain song, poem, or prayer?

Your relative may brush off the subject. That’s their right. But it’s also reasonable to mention that a funeral is for the survivors, too, to help them come to terms with their loss. This may open the door to further discussion.

Contact us at 828-772-4714

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